yeah come on that's block party with two more years the bloke party two more years thanks very much to alex zane and lumpy his sidekick ash i know he's called he's not lumpy he's terribly handsome lumpy uh got fired i think but uh ash thanks very much and alex thanks very much it's quite exciting always seeing alex zane in the studio don't you think joe why because he's famous and he's attractive
Yeah.
Yeah, he's the male equivalent of a sexy woman.
Yeah, that's right.
That's why I like him so much.
Hello, we're Adam and Joe.
Welcome to our radio show.
We're here for the next two hours.
We've got fantastic stuff coming up.
We've got great prizes.
We're giving away DVDs of the amazing Martin Scorsese Bob Dylan documentary.
I'm a bit upset about that, cos I went and bought that yesterday.
You fool!
You idiot.
Well, we'll have one extra to give to the listeners.
Cos you won't have stolen one.
That's true.
What else have we got?
We've got the soundtrack to The Business.
The British gangster film set in the 80s.
Oh, that's the one with the guy lounging around in a pool.
Yeah, the guy who only ever appears in films directed by that man.
Yes.
Danny Dyer.
Danny... I think that's what his name is.
Jimmy Rubbish.
We've got a crap commentary competition.
A good one as well.
Is it... Yeah.
Good in that it's interesting or impossible to get?
Both.
Excellent, okay, and I thought of I thought of a text competition which we may or may not use also I wanted to Rehash a couple of things from years ago that we did on the show because they've become relevant again.
Oh good idea Yeah, we're gonna have teachers in the dock as well in the in closing the show And I think it's gonna be a McCartney dishes in the dock, isn't it?
yeah a McCartney off a solo McCartney off to celebrate the release of his new album his return to form his Nigel Godrich produced album yeah what's it called again chaos and creation in the backyard there you go yeah have you listened to it no now I have listened to it it's quite good
So there we go, loads of stuff coming up and if you want to win any of those things we've been talking about, remember the numbers 08712221049 and you can text us on 83XFM.
All messages are read.
That's correct.
Even if they're not read out.
Yeah.
And of course we've got a lot of great music coming your way.
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
You know, XFM Classics and a couple of free plays will sneak in as well.
And I'm going to play some Oasis for you right now, but right now I just want to get a bit of something cheesy out of the way.
Not something I would normally do, but I promised my son Frank I'd say hello to him today.
So hi Frank, how you doing?
This one's for you.
Kings of Leon with the bucket.
This is Adam and Joe on Saturday afternoon here at XFN.
So listen, you know last week we played Franz Ferdinand?
I'm sorry to say we haven't got it on the playlist.
Their new single?
Yeah, yeah, they- And do you know we were saying we thought it sounded like Go West?
Yes.
We close our eyes.
Well, this week I've got conclusive proof that it is exactly like Go West.
Have you got it with you?
I've spliced them together.
No!
And it is incredible.
We're going to bring Franz Ferdinand down today.
Wow.
This is basically Franz Ferdinand's last day in the business.
You're joking.
Because I've discovered that they've completely ripped off Go West.
You've rumbled the furds?
I've rumbled the furds.
Oh my.
So that'll be coming up later.
Stay tuned if you want to hear the end of Franz Ferdinand's career.
Holy mojo.
What are we going to call it?
Franzi-gate, Ferdi-gate, Westi-
Oh, I don't know.
Er, crap commentary corner.
I think that should be coming up pretty soon.
OK then.
Shall we start a text competition or shall we leave that till the second part?
Text for me is the middle of the show.
Really?
Yeah.
OK.
That's the usual structure, isn't it, listeners?
Regular listeners?
Regular listeners, yes.
Hey, we've had a lovely, er, email as well.
Can I read this out?
Yeah, go on then.
Er, hello Adam and Joe.
I'm writing to let you know that me and my friend Andy are kidnapping you.
The flight to Switzerland is booked for next week where you will both marry me
followed by I and my friend holding you at gunpoint until you agree to remake the Adam and Joe show where you will put the wedding in the form of teddy bears and possibly Darth Vader and generally create havoc.
So start packing.
So nice.
I'd quite like to be kidnapped in that way.
One of our bad speller fans.
Yeah, it's like one of those, er, there's people that you can pay to kidnap you, can't you?
Have you read about that?
No.
Yeah, in America.
There's a guy that provides a service.
You pay him, and then at a completely unexpected point he'll kidnap you.
Wow.
It's, you know, sexy.
How long does it go on for?
Can you not get out of it?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I'd imagine you'd agree some terms, but leave some of them, you know, open to
what, the kidnappers discretion, so it would still be a bit surprising.
That's rubbish though, surely, cos the kidnapper would just take your money and then say, well, I might kidnap you any time in the next 20 years.
No, there'd be a limit, I think.
Oh, right.
There'd be a limit.
When's your birthday?
June 7th.
Oh, OK.
Oh, nice one.
Steve- Yeah, I can't wait for that.
Ricky- Yeah.
Steve- So, uh, do you watch Wife Swap?
Any- any time?
Ricky- No, I've given up on Wife Swap.
Steve- Have you?
Ricky- Yeah.
Steve- I couldn't believe, watching Wife Swap this week, they still had the same voiceover guy.
Ricky- Mmm.
Steve- With the same intonation.
Ricky- Unbelievable.
Like, do you remember, this is something I played a while ago on this show, from a previous series of Wife Swap, and I thought maybe after I played it, you know, obviously the producers would be listening and they'd rethink maybe the style, give them a bit of different direction.
because we're very powerful in that way, but it hasn't happened.
Anyway, this is a reminder of what the guy sounds like.
Gary seems to be in a class of his own.
Jojo's got to the root of the problem.
Dawn's taken charge of the kids.
Alan's struggling with the DIY.
Gary's keen to have a say in how it should be run.
Dawn starts to look around the house she's so proud of.
Gary will have a proper role in the house.
Dawn's cleaning and driving Alan back.
Have you figured out his formula yet?
Yes.
He delivers every single line on the show in that exact same way.
He delivers every single line in that exact same way.
No, I can't even do it.
In that exact same way.
It's the sort of way that Lisa Ransin used to deliver.
And he hasn't changed.
No, it's still exactly the same.
So which makes me feel justified in playing my wife swap house mix one more time.
Do you want to hear it?
Do it.
Gary will have a proper role in the house.
Gary seems to be in a class of his own.
Later that evening, Jojo's got to the root of the problem.
Dawn's taking charge of the kids.
Jojo's got to the root of the kids.
Later that evening, Alan's struggling with the DIY.
Alan's struggling with the housework.
Alan's struggling with driving Alan mad.
Later that evening, Jojo's got to the root of the problem.
Dawn's cleaning is the root of the problem.
It's the final evening of the housework.
It's the final evening of the swap.
Jojo's got to the root of the swap.
Gary's keen to have a say in how it should be run.
There you go.
Wow.
That's actually cleaned up some of my domestic problems as well, listening to that.
Has it?
Yeah, full I've got to the root of the problem.
Well, okay, we're gonna- we're gonna play- I've got my first free play coming up right now, a bit of Depeche Mode.
You're a Depeche Mode fan, right, Joe?
I used to like Depeche Mode.
Depeche Mode or Depeche Mode?
I would always say Depeche.
Depeche.
Would you say Depeche?
I'd always say Depeche, yeah.
Ooh.
And- and you'd presumably- Depeche.
Uh, Vince era, not late mode.
Uh, the only one I was really into was Blasphemous Rumour.
Oh, that's post Vince.
Really dark.
It was meaningful, it was deep intellectual.
I like the Vince stuff and this was the first single I was ever aware of.
New Life.
This is Ed and Joe, we'll be back after this and some ads.
I don't know, man.
He's trying to get out of something there, isn't he?
I don't believe him.
Don't look at me now.
I think he meant it.
I think he did as well.
That was the bravery and honest mistake.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
It's crap commentary corner time.
Hooray!
It's time to call in You could win something amazing Let us begin
Can you guess which film we're playing?
I didn't want the same!
Crap, commentary corner!
Oh yes.
Okay, this is the part of the show where we play you an excerpt from a DVD commentary.
You have to listen very carefully and tell us...
who's speaking and what film they're commentating about.
Next time you say excerpt, can you s- can you say excerpt?
Ex- is that how it's spelt?
Excerpt.
Yeah.
I wanna- I wanna hear the P. OK.
So we're gonna play you an excerpt.
Thanks.
From a DVD commentary.
You dial 0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9 and if you correctly tell us
who's speaking, and what movie the commentary's taken from, then you will win a copy of the extraordinary Bob Dylan documentary directed by Martin Scorsese.
And that's a two-disc set.
Not one disc, but two discs.
Two discs!
Extra performances, Dylan doing his stuff, and, you know, I bought it yesterday.
I can't believe I bought it.
So there you go.
The number again.
0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9.
Stand by your radios, turn it up nice and loud and listen carefully.
This is possibly the most idiotic woman I've ever heard ever commentate on anything in the history of the world.
Have a listen.
So are we just gonna, like, do commentary on the whole movie?
Yeah, yeah.
This is fun, are you serious?
So what's this?
This is, um, Halon.
Oh my god, is that what we're doing?
So we're watching the whole movie right now?
Yes, yeah.
Oh, awesome!
Oh, this is great.
She's turned up at the commentary session and she doesn't understand what a commentary session is.
And she says that about 20 minutes, it takes her about 20 minutes to actually ask what they're doing.
And she's in the film?
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay, so that's clip number one.
08712221049 if you know who that is and what movie they're talking about.
Let's have clip number two.
Okay, here we go.
If you guys make this movie a huge hit and this DVD a huge sale, I'll get breast enhancement surgery.
Right.
That's a very brief excerpt.
It's a brief excerpt.
Do you want to hear clip number three?
I think we should, because that's really tough.
Okay.
Here's clip number three.
0871221 049.
Somebody out there will know.
Here we go.
Okay, can I just say, like, who cares about that?
You just saw my nipple.
I mean, no one cares about the grading.
All I have to say is, like, how committed am I to this picture?
You know, that's like full nipple shot.
If you were really committed, we'd have seen both nipples.
That's a good point.
Very good point.
So who is that?
What movie are they talking about?
It's quite hard, isn't it?
That's really difficult, man.
Really tough.
I bet you someone will get it.
We don't underestimate our listeners.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, let's see if anything happens.
We'll give them more clues if nothing happens.
Sure.
We'll play a song, and, er, and then we'll take some calls.
Oh, it's 7-1-222-1049.
We took turns.
We took turns to reset the phone number between us.
OK, here's the Kaiser Chiefs.
That is indeed the modern way.
By the geyser chiefs.
OK, so you've got to do everything that way from now on.
Good.
Like that.
Now, it's time to find out if anyone's got the right answer for our crap commentary corner.
We'll just play you a little refresher excerpt, just to remind you what we're trying to guess this week.
Can you guess who this actress is and what film she is supposed to be talking about?
Okay, can I just say, like, who cares about that?
You just saw my nipple, for God's sakes.
I mean, no one cares about the grading.
All I have to say is, like, how committed am I to this picture?
You know, that is, like, full nipple shot.
If you were really committed, we'd have seen both nipples.
So there's British director or producer in there.
A British director.
British director.
An American lady.
You see, I'm not very good with the young American ladies.
Really?
I don't really know any of them.
All I can think of is Reese Witherspoon, but she's too classy for that kind of thing, isn't she?
Well, shall we take some calls?
Yeah.
See what our listeners think.
Have we got someone on the line there, Xanthi?
Yeah, line one, Tony.
Tony.
Hello, Tony.
Hello, mate, you alright?
Yeah, how are you?
not too bad mate at work but never mind oh dear do you think you've got this though um i think so who do you think it is tony well i reckon it's paris hilton talking about house of wax have you seen that film i haven't no it's uh just looks a bit too poor for my taste so so what i tell you what house the last 20 minutes of house of wax is amazing is it yeah because the house before
Well, just split through that, because the house is made of wax, and at the end it goes on fire and everything melts and everything in it is made of wax, so the beds start melting.
Yeah, and apparently the hot wax drips on everyone, but it doesn't burn them, they just carry on running.
That is correct, I didn't notice.
There's an amazing bit where the villain gets to the goodies by just slicing through the walls with a knife, and it's amazingly satisfying to watch.
You're right, Tony.
Just watch the trailer and don't go anywhere.
So has Tony got it right?
I'm on- I'm on tenterhooks.
No, he's wrong, Tony.
You're wrong.
It's not the whole thing.
I mean, you're just going on the idea that it's one of the stupidest people in the world, right?
Well, probably, yeah.
Yeah, stupid person who shows her nipples.
Yeah, well, you're right, but I think Hilton's a bit la- Paris Hilton's so lazy, isn't she?
If you watch House of Wax, she can hardly be bothered to walk across the set.
And that voice is a bit too energised.
It's not Hilton.
But we're gonna give you a copy of the Bob Dylan DVD anyway, Tony.
Oh, brilliant.
Thank you very much, Jint.
Hey, thanks a lot for calling in.
Cheers, Tony.
Have a good day at work.
So let's see whether our next caller's got it.
Who's the next caller, Xanthi?
Rory.
Rory.
Hello, Rory.
Hi.
Hi, guys.
How are you?
I'm very fine, thank you.
You sound nervous.
I'm sort of unsure.
No, I think I'm quietly confident.
Yes.
Who do you think it is, Rory?
I think it's Mila Jovovich talking with Paul W. Anderson on the Resident Evil DVD.
Are you Paul W. Anderson calling in under a pseudonym?
No, no.
If I was, I'd hang my head in shame.
You pronounce her name really well.
Say it again.
Mila Jovovich.
Jovovich?
You don't even say the L. I thought it was Mila.
Well, I think it's Mila, Mila... I bet you're right.
Listen, I'm not bringing you down, Mila Jovovich.
I think you're probably right.
Jovovich.
Do you know what, Rory?
You're correct.
You've won it.
That's amazing.
Adam didn't think anyone was going to get it.
No, I had no clue who that was.
I thought Mila, Mila, whatever her name is, Jovovich, was a bit more savvy than that.
She sounds like a total thickey.
No, you know in The Fifth Element?
Yeah.
She was typecast as a kind of space chicken.
I don't know.
She does weighting up, kind of dazed and confused very well.
She does wearing very little extremely well, but she doesn't do thinking very well.
Wow.
How did you get that Rory?
That's amazing.
Well I'm quite a big fan of the games, the Resident Evil games.
Have you played the GameCube one?
Yeah on Resident Evil 4.
God that's good.
Amazing, amazing game.
It's the kind of game where I want my brain erased to, you know, so I've never played it before, so I can play it again.
Again and again.
I still do it every time you play it.
But yeah, unfortunately I'm kind of the completeness in that respect, so I got the film and I also unfortunately bought the sequel as well.
I like the sequel.
Listen Rory, we should just meet up for drink because we could talk and talk.
We should do, we should do.
Outside the Warner West, I tell you what, in the hip-hop section of Virgin Megastore at 10 tonight,
at ten tonight, the box section of both of those films.
Wow, can I come along?
No.
Oh, man.
Hey, Rory, congratulations.
Thanks very much.
I stand in awe of your knowledge and also slightly, I'm a bit depressed for you for having watched all those films, but congratulations.
We're going to send you the Bob Dylan doc, the Martin Scorsese doc.
Thank you very much.
Hope you enjoy it.
It doesn't have quite as many blips and killings in it, but there you go.
Nice one.
Congratulations, Roy.
Thanks for listening.
Thanks very much for calling in.
Who was the other guy?
I've forgotten already.
Tony.
Tony, thanks a lot, Tony.
This is Adam and John XFM.
We'll be back shortly.
Yeah, yep, yep.
That's- So they're going out tonight.
They're living for the weekend.
Hard five.
Salomon Joe on XFM.
Now, we're gonna play a little mash-up for you, aren't we?
That's right.
Last week we were playing Franz Ferdinand's new single.
I've forgotten what it's called.
What's it called?
It's called Don't Do That or Stop Doing This or How Dare You Do That To Me or something.
Stop touching me there.
What's it called?
I don't like it.
Come on.
Somebody, what's it called?
Wow.
Oh no, we're going to be fired for not knowing the hottest single by the hottest band.
It's called Stop Touching My Tits.
I don't like it when you touch me there.
There you go, that's what it's called.
And we couldn't believe, I couldn't believe its similarity to the Go West classic, We Close Our Eyes.
So last night, at about one in the morning, slightly the worse for wear, I loaded both songs into my Final Cut Express,
and decided to find out whether they really were exactly the same.
And the results are startling.
If you're a fan of Franz Ferdinand, hold on to your integrity.
Here we go.
so this is the song this is the song as it was yeah yeah turn it up a bit here listen to this it's the same listen to that listen to that okay wait for it the same do you hear that adam you don't believe me do you you think it sounds like two completely different songs it's like soul wax listen listen
The same song.
Wait, bear with it.
So those bits aren't that similar, but in the chorus it gets a lot more similar.
Yeah, yeah.
That's doing my head in.
Okay, so I was overselling it.
They haven't ripped off Go West and I was wrong.
What happened last night was this.
I spliced them together and realised that I was completely wrong.
I think spliced is really being too generous to what you did to it.
You sort of beat them both up.
Chammed them together.
And shoved them in a box.
But that's what it's all about, isn't it?
You oversell something, then it's disappointing.
No, I wasn't disappointed by that.
You know what?
Just because I just loved hearing that Go West riff again.
Yeah.
Whatever happened to them?
They're probably superstar producers or songwriters now.
Probably.
If anyone knows about what happened to Go West, could they please give us a call?
But you know what?
I've learnt a lesson by doing that.
What?
Well, when I think a song sounds like another song, it probably doesn't.
Now, I think you're right.
I was probably only just a tiny bit of it.
Basically three notes of that sound the same.
Yeah.
And then I just got overexcited.
It's bound to happen with modern music.
What do you think of that, Santhi?
I thought it was exactly the same.
Yes!
There you go.
Yeah.
Thanks, Santhi.
I agree.
Chicks like me.
Chicks dig you.
Chicks dig my theories.
LL Cool Joe.
Wow.
Me and, who was it, Rory?
tonight on the town.
What are you going to do when you meet- We're going to chat about video games and pull chicks by telling them that- Will you be hanging out with Chewie?
Possibly.
The actor.
Chewie, yeah.
So last week we were talking about the fact that he- What's his name again?
Chewie.
We can't pronounce the rest of his name.
When he was in Dirty Pretty Things and he's a very talented actor.
And he lives near to Joe in South London.
And Joe reckoned that he was going to go and knock on his door and make friends with him this week.
But you didn't, did you?
No, he's busy.
He's so busy he's making lots of films.
I'm very busy as well.
Yeah.
I'm watching lots of films.
Never too busy to make friends.
Come on.
Hey, Chewie, if you're listening, give us a call.
We want to be your friend.
Uh, here's a free play for you.
This is Smog.
That's Smaug with cold-blooded old times.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
We've got some adverts coming up right now, and then we're into the second hour.
I'm getting into my Justin Lee Collins mode.
My name is Domino Harvey, and I am a bindy hunter.
I just have to say that.
Have you seen that film?
A bindy hunter.
No, I want to see it.
It just says here in the Guardian Guide that it's a candidate for the golden raspberry of the year.
I thought it looked quite good.
Can't be good.
Apparently Keira Knightley's too tiny to hold.
Actually, in reality, to hold a gun that big.
I'm not surprised.
And if she fired a gun that big, it would send her flying miles backwards through and across windows.
She would shatter into tiny, sexy pieces.
Yes.
She'd go, oh, dear, that was very violent.
I can't shoot that again.
Wouldn't she or something?
Because she's a bindy hunter.
The bindy hunters are here.
They're searching for paradise.
OK, then we'll be back shortly.
Bye.
Love music.
Yeah, that's the Dead Sixties with Riot Radio.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Now, I think it's time for a text competition, don't you reckon, Joe Cornish?
Ooh, yes.
Ooh, yeah.
I love text competitions.
Now, I'm sure this is something that we've probably talked about before, but maybe not for a while, and I thought it was time to update it.
Tribute band names.
Always an enjoyable way of spending a few hours with friends.
Thinking of tribute bands that maybe don't exist and invariably you end up thinking of some that probably do exist but you just don't know about them.
For example, a tribute band for the specials would be Today's Specials.
Nice.
Yeah.
Er, how about this?
For the Foo Fighters, the Faux Fighters... They exist, don't they?
Do they?
I bet they exist.
I don't know.
It's so good they must.
If anyone knows, er, they can text us in.
Incidentally, er, four fact fans apparently Go West are on tour with Tony Hadley.
Thanks.
Erm, here's one for a Strokes tribute band.
Different Strokes.
Nice.
Come on.
You know the one that always sticks in my head?
This is a real one.
Yeah.
And they always play at The Swan opposite Stockwell Tube.
It's the Oasis tribute band.
And they're called No Way Sis.
Yeah, they've been around for years.
That really sticks in my head though.
I find myself just walking along going, Oasis, No Way Sis.
It's so clever.
I feel like they've been around longer than Oasis have.
Here, do you want some more?
Yeah.
Cos we want- we want you to come up with, um, some more of these- Yeah, this is the competition.
We're not just wasting your time, listeners.
83XFM if you've got, uh, better ideas.
Yeah, some modern bands as well who maybe haven't had, uh, tribute bands yet.
But how about this for Joy Division?
Ode to Joy Division?
Nice.
Is that good, or is that just- Yeah, no, that's good.
That's good for your more sophisticated fans.
Yeah.
How about this?
I don't really need to explain who it's for.
The Birds and the Bee Gees?
Well, that's like a sort of dirty Bee Gees show, isn't it?
Yeah, that's a good idea.
That's like a Raymond Revue bar.
Right.
Dirty Bee Gees, sexy, hee-bee-gee-bee-bee-gee show.
Ladies, Bearded Ladies.
Yeah.
Um, how about this?
This is rubbish, this one.
This is for the Kaiser Chiefs.
The Kaiser Thieves?
That's more like a sort of rubbish headline from an NME article or something.
Sorry.
Sorry.
OK, here's one that I came up with this morning.
I'm quite happy with it.
Not so keen.
They... Well, you can't have a tribute band who don't like the band they're doing a tribute to.
That's a band for people who don't really like you.
Or who quite like them.
Or they play their songs really badly.
Yeah, yeah.
So if you can do better than that, listeners, text 83XFM.
This competition is text only.
Or we may accept entries via email, adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk.
But 83XFM.
And the prize is... What is the prize?
Is it another Bob... Are we running out of prizes?
Surely not.
Well, what about this we've got?
Oh, yeah.
We've only got three, cos we were gonna give one to the- to the dissident, to the- Well, we'll think of an amazing prize.
Can we not steal something from him?
Yeah, we can steal- I'll go and steal something from outside.
Don't steal Brian's beer.
I will steal Brian's beer.
He sent an email round to all the stars.
I'm specifically gonna steal something from Brian.
Who's been stealing my beer from under my desk?
In the meantime, while you're texting listeners, 83XFM, uh, let's have a record.
Yeah, this is, uh, Kasabian, and it says helpfully here on the playlist, pronounced Kur-say-be-an.
Kur-say-be-an.
And, uh, it's the fourth single from the Leicester Quartet, who have taken their name from Linda Kasabian, I didn't know this, the getaway driver for the Manson family.
What a depressing fact.
Here you go, this is Kasabian with LSF.
Sorry, can you turn the record down a bit?
I can't hear your noises.
Yeah.
Alright.
With you.
Don't stop.
Let's just, yeah.
Erm, erm, erm, erm, erm.
like a flood of
Oh, man.
Oh, hang on.
Who's done that?
Wait.
Talk for a bit, Adam.
OK.
Hey, incidentally, later on, do you remember we used to do crap accents on the show?
Yes.
Well, I brought some... This isn't a competition.
I just saw an amazingly crap accent on an episode of Lost.
Now, I've got Lost on DVD, so I'm quite absorbed by it.
Yes.
I finished watching it this week.
But I think the series is still running on terrestrial television.
But if you haven't got the DVD, you will...
not have seen this episode with this amazingly bad Australian accent, which I'm going to play you later on.
Oh, we can look forward to that.
Yeah.
Here, I'm ready now.
OK.
How about a Jamaican cover band for the White Stripes?
The Red Stripes.
That's not bad.
Dom in Waltham Cross.
Well done, Dom.
Gwen Stefo.
That's a good idea, man.
Here's one.
Dom, I'm going to get together with you.
We should go into business.
They get better, man.
They get better.
Really?
Yeah.
Gwen Stefoni.
From Shawn in Brighton.
That's good.
The Kaiser Cheats.
The Kaiser Cheats.
From Jason.
That's much better.
He says, cheers guys.
Good show.
Thanks, Jason.
Hey, Jason.
There's a Bon Jovi... Stop doing that.
Who's doing that?
Is that you, Xanthi?
Oh no, it's just reload.
My techs are reloading and it's all... I'm losing my place.
Don't shout at Xanthi.
Oh, mumbles.
Mumbles?
Yeah, it's my new soft swear word.
It's, er, that's, er, Catherine Zeta-Jones's hometown.
Is it?
It's also what I used to call my mum when I was little.
But let's not get into that.
Definitely not leopard, as that's supposed to be Def Leppard.
Dipress Mill?
What's that?
How about Cooler Faker?
That's just a rude thing to say about Cooler Shaker, who no one remembers anyway.
Hey, come on, I met him the other day.
He was really nice.
Crispian Mills.
He's not a Nazi at all.
He's just a nice guy.
Really?
I don't even remember the scandal about him.
Did he have any scandal?
He was into all sort of Indian symbolism and mysticism and stuff.
Someone's texted in, I've been calling them not so keen since seeing them live at the wireless fest in the summer.
They are rubbish.
Oh steady on.
I like them.
Oh, stop reloading.
This is a disaster.
I can't read these texts.
Well, that's a good start, isn't it?
That's a good start.
Why don't we play a record?
You can collate a bit and we'll come back and we'll award a prize.
Slip knot instead of slip knot.
Separated the words slip and knot.
That is brilliant.
That's good, Mike in Hammersmith.
Good thinking.
Very good.
keep texting xfm uh 83 xfm is the text number we're going to come up with a prize we'll tell you what it is and we'll award it after this after this this is a track from uh the super furry animals this is from their all welsh album and it's called just be gibberish yeah yeah mainly gibberish but that's what rock and pop's all about okay
I tell you what, we can listen to it and imagine what they're- because sometimes when you hear people singing in a foreign language, it sounds English.
Yeah.
It just sounds like someone speaking English in a strange accent.
Welsh is a great language, though.
I always liked the Gorky's Welsh stuff.
Yeah.
Anyway, here's Super Furry Animals.
We'll be back with a winner for our text competition after this.
Well, hello.
Can you hear me?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I've, uh, thought I heard some things being sung in English there.
I'm sure at the beginning he said, I'm licking the sunshine.
And then he said, then he sung, Dan's got a python.
And then I'm sure he said, across the blue tea river.
And then, I am a ninny who carries a melon.
He definitely said, I am a ninny who carries a melon.
That's the chorus, I think, yeah.
Is it?
Yeah.
I am a ninny who carries a melon.
I am a ninny.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's Welsh for you.
There you go.
I've got to tell you, I'm like half-Welsh, so I'm allowed to be rude about the Welsh.
You're allowed to be a little bit, er, racist.
Welshist.
That's Super Furry Animals there.
And, erm- You're listening to Adam and John on XFM.
Yeah.
In the midst of an exciting text competition.
Yeah.
We've been asking to come up with your own names for tribute bands.
And, er, we've got a lot of good stuff in.
But we should pick a winner.
OK, I'm going to read some more out for you, Adam.
I'll just read new ones, so if there's any from the ones I just read you that you think should get the award.
Are you making notes?
Yeah.
You've got a pen?
Yes.
There's a pen.
OK, let's read some out.
I like the red stripes one.
Yeah, that was good, wasn't it?
That was good, wasn't it?
Cos I just think that would be a good band.
I'd like to see a reggae band doing white stripes songs.
I think they actually exist, says Max in Camden.
Bye, Jovi.
That's- that's pretty good.
No, that's good for Bon Jovi by Jovi, the Southwest's premier bisexual Bon Jovi tribute band.
But that, uh, doesn't count because they exist.
The Smiley Mondays, what?
Who them?
The Smiley Mondays.
Uh, come on.
Could do better.
Okay, I'm just scanning up.
I'm just scanning up.
Quite warm, Julie Peppers.
No, no one's even sent a name for that one.
No, I'm not surprised.
Massive fat tack.
What?
What's that?
You can just be a fat and people doing a massive attack tribute.
You started this.
Don't blame me for the responses you're getting.
The quality's slipping.
It was better before.
I know, well, the clever ones always text first.
You know, their brains are faster.
Oh, and now it's reset.
Status, no.
Status?
No.
Come on, I'm doing the best.
The Fibbeteens.
The Fibbeteens.
I don't know.
Duddy Holly.
Wrong Said Fred.
Love the show, from Luke in Chelmsford.
Double Maximo Parked.
Just a bad pun.
Ant in Essex.
Kylie Manogue.
A drag tribute act to Kylie Manogue.
That's from Faye in Hackney.
She says it's genius, so we can't argue with her.
I don't know.
Can you go back to- Do you want more?
No.
Can you go back to some of the earlier ones?
How about this?
Not the AAS.
That's not bad.
Who's that?
That is from Kate in Palace.
In Buckingham Palace.
Crystal Palace.
An ice palace.
Shover Man's ice palace.
Who- Is that where she lives?
What are you talking about?
I don't know.
She just said in Palace.
Go back to the early ones.
Oh, that's terrible.
These are terrible.
I can't even read them out.
This is really good radio.
Someone's texted the hippo Mondays.
The hippo Mondays?
What's that?
OK, this has got to stop now.
Well, award an award, then it will stop.
We haven't got a prize.
The red stripes.
We could just say that the quality's not good enough and not give a prize.
Well, there were some good ones at the beginning!
Well, you can't even- they can't have been good if you don't remember them.
But you scrolled off in the different directions.
I remember the red stripes.
And I quite like Gwen Stefone.
Okay.
I'm gonna find them again.
Let's find Gwen Stefone and do, uh, I don't mean, you know, what I mean.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, dear.
I'm trying to find them, there's so many.
Just say that you've awarded it to them and we'll come back with, uh- Do you think maybe this is the worst link we've ever done?
No, it's one of my- it's one of the favourites.
We'll think this is gonna win us the Sony.
We'll be back with more and we'll find the name of the person who won the competition after this.
Bye.
This is XFM.
Oh, that's epic, isn't it?
That told you.
That certainly did tell me.
That was the editors with bullets.
That's the follow-up to Blood, Joe.
Course it is.
You don't need to tell me that sort of thing.
Adam, I knew that already.
And the next one's called Snot.
Ah, brilliant.
And it's going to tell it to you the way it is more.
Thanks.
Adam and Joe on XFM?
Yeah.
Now, we're going to pick a winner from our slightly abortive text competition.
You know, it's not abortive.
It's gone amazingly well.
It's clear that they're, you know, raining down.
There's millions of entries.
We had in the break, er, someone phoned in with Irony- no, Ironic Maiden.
That's pretty good.
Quite good.
Er, apparently the Red Stripes exist.
Oh, here's a good one.
Tony from Kilburn.
Block Partly.
That's good!
Block Partly is good.
Block Partly's good, Tony.
The person who- the winner's gonna get a copy of that Bob Dylan, er, double disc DVD.
Very good prize.
We've had some very good ones during that song.
What was the other one that I read out to you?
Maybe Shambles.
Maybe Shambles is good, isn't it?
From Nick.
yeah so apparently red stripes do exist and so do the different strokes there you go um interesting fact for you there so wow it's tough i mean there's not much you're gonna give it to i maybe shambles is pretty good isn't it isn't it maybe shambles is good but but we like the sound of the lady who phoned in with ironic maiden didn't we so let's give it to her she sounded she did she sound she sounded like a grown-up right yeah okay
She's a mum.
She's a mum.
She's a mum.
We've got to support the mums.
She's a busy mum.
We've got to support the mums.
Trying to do her best.
Let's set- we've got her address, right?
Let's send her the Bob Dylan thing.
She'll like that.
Mums like Bob Dylan.
Hey, talking of busy mums, have you seen the advert with Kerry from Wooja Cooja going to Iceland or Asda, and she picks up a packet of breasts.
What?
And she's got these big, fake breasts.
You just- And she goes- no, bear with me.
She goes to this spotty, ginger-haired boy, um,
Oh, no, it's something about the prices being cut and she goes something like, uh, is this breast reduction real?
No, or something like that.
Someone will tell me what it's like.
And the boy looks all nervous and goes, oh, I couldn't tell you, madam.
What?
She's holding a pair of frozen chicken breasts.
Oh, right.
Next to her massive artificial breasts.
You see, you didn't say chicken breasts.
Oh, what, she's got fake- Yeah, right.
Yeah.
Have you seen that one?
No, I haven't.
I want to.
Well, then we can move on.
I can't- It's a very odd advert.
You just laid a lot of very confusing stuff on me.
You reminded me of- Yeah, some people out there will know what I was talking about, because they'll know the advert.
But other people, I'm sorry, if I confused you.
You reminded me of Wudja Cudja.
Wudja Cudja.
She reminded me of- You couldn't focus on anything else.
As soon as you mentioned Wudja Cudja,
the beaches, the ice creams, the challenges, the swags, the credit cards and the bum cheeks, it all comes back to you.
Wajakaja was more or less like balls of steel, wasn't it?
It's actually pronounced wood-ja-kudja.
I pronounce it wajakaja.
Wajakaja.
Waj did ya kudja, your honour?
And so, waj did you kudja?
What does that even mean?
What are you talking about?
It's like why I don't know.
This show's collapsing.
It's breaking down.
I think we need another break.
Why were you suddenly in a court?
Why were you saying your honour?
That's ridiculous.
No.
Alright then, we should play some music.
Hey, thanks everyone who texted in.
Coming up in a second, well, in about ten minutes it's going to be D-D-D-D-D-D-Dock.
Yeah, we'll get that together.
Oh, Jesus.
That's sort of good.
It's kind of depressing, but good.
That's I'm In Love by Audio Bullies.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
And very shortly we're going to be doing Ditties in the Dock.
That'll be exciting.
And it's a McCartney off today.
A solo McCartney off.
A solo McCartney off.
Wings permitted.
I've got a track from one of his solo albums.
But anyway, all will be revealed shortly.
I just want to play you this clip from Lost that I was talking about.
If you watch Lost, then you'll know that a lot of the action takes place in Australia.
But because most of the actors are Americans, you get a lot of- Does it take place what the island is in Australia?
No.
The plane has just been flying from Australia.
Right.
So all the people are supposed to be Australians?
No, but they've been dealing- they've been, uh, doing stuff in Australia for one reason or another, and we see them in Australia in flashbacks.
Okay.
And, uh, one of the characters, Hurley, uh, who's this big fat guy who basically- his whole character is just saying, dude.
That's all he does.
That defines his personality.
He just says, dude.
And then says something stupid and he's fat and that's the character.
Now, I tell you what, an Aussie accent isn't that difficult to do.
No, mate.
Come on, everybody can do an Aussie accent.
It's quite easy.
You just sort of pull the tongue back.
Yeah.
Don't you?
In the mouth.
Anyway, for the American actors in Lost, it's a bit of a struggle.
And there's a scene towards the end of the series with Hurley and this woman.
He's gone out into the outback and tracked this woman down.
I won't spoil it if you haven't watched the whole series yet, but basically Hurley freaked out because he thinks that evil numbers are ruining his life.
And he goes and tracks this woman down.
And this woman is supposed to be an old Australian lady.
But check out the actress that they found and the mangling that she does with the accent.
Anyway, he told me about Sam hearing something.
You're talking back the numbers.
Yes, the numbers, exactly.
Do you know anything about him?
Sam and Leonard were stationed at a listening post monitoring long-wave transmissions out of the Pacific.
Boring job.
Nothing to do but listen to static, night after night.
Till one night, about 16 years ago, there's something in the static.
Yeah, a bit 16 years ago of somewhere over South Africa, isn't she?
She's skidding around all over the South African accent.
Can you handle some more?
Yeah, she's amazing couple of days later We're at the fair in Calgary and some Wally there's got this jar Must have been big as a pony and it's filled to the rim with beans Phil is offering 50 grand to anyone able to guess how many beads are in that jar.
It's a good story as well Sam use the numbers
If the answer was exact to the bean.
Wow.
That's the first thing I've heard that actually makes me want to watch Lost.
It's quite a good episode actually.
This is weird numerology.
It sounds good.
What with Kenting the beans.
Kenting everything.
She got the number of the beans.
I've never seen bean kenting on Tilly.
Some wally was offering 50 grand for the person who could kent the number of the beans.
It is a sort of South African.
What is the number of the beans?
The number of the beans!
What is it?
Six?
It can't be.
No, I don't know.
Yeah, it was an easy one.
Well that was very good well done.
Thanks, man You know if anyone's seen any amazingly bad accents in anything perhaps They could let us know and we'll do our best to play them You know there's the holy grail of bad accents, which I used to have and I can't find it anymore is Daphne's boyfriend in Frasier hmm do you remember he's supposed to be she's bad enough
Well, she's really Mancunian.
I mean, she's just got a weird accent.
But her boyfriend, who turns up, is an American actor and he does the worst sub-Dick Van Dyke kind of mess of Cockney and Manchester and I don't know what.
And I wish I could track it down.
I wish someone could tell me what episode it was, because I really want to find it.
Anyway, there you go.
We'll be back with Ditty's In The Dock extremely shortly, but first here's a track from Kevin Ayres.
You don't hear too much Kevin Ayres on XFM.
Come on, that's the guitar solo.
That's Kevin Ayres with Shouting In A Bucket Blues.
OK, it's Ditty's in the Dock time here in the last 20 minutes of the Adam and Joe radio show on XFM.
Yes, and everybody who gets through this week will win a copy of the soundtrack to the exciting Brit gangster film The Business, which is about a group of gangsters what go to Spain and listen to 80s music and probably swear and punch each other.
I don't know.
I haven't seen it, but it's a great soundtrack.
It's got all your favorite 80s tracks.
You know, them ones.
Bowie, Adam and the Ants.
Which Bowie track?
It's Modern Love.
Oh, that's a smash.
Yeah, it's a good soundtrack.
So everybody who gets through wins one of those.
And this week it is a McCartney play-off.
A solo McCartney play-off, Wings Permitted.
Yeah.
So I'm going to start.
OK, you go.
Just for the heck of it, I love my McCartney.
I was going to choose Maybe I'm Amazed, which is probably my favorite McCartney album track.
It's a classic.
Then I thought, well, maybe I should go for something a bit stupider.
I thought Pipes of Peace.
But then I thought, no, because in my opinion, the best Paul McCartney and Wings song is Live and Let Die, the theme to the Bond film.
Oh, man, you're going to win.
It's such an exciting track.
I think it's the best Bond theme ever.
It's a combination of reggae, power rock, classical orchestration.
It's basically like watching the most amazing pre-credits sequence from the most amazing Bond film.
It's a rollercoaster ride of a song and it's fantastic to sing along to.
And it's better than the Guns N' Roses version.
Oh yes.
So there we go.
Call 0871 222 1049 if you want to vote for Paul McCartney and Wings with Live and Let Die.
Well, Live and Let Die certainly is a smash.
No one's going to argue with you on that.
But I propose some more adventurous McCartney.
This is from McCartney 2, the album that he tried out some very strange early electronic stylings upon.
And there's a track on there called temporary secretary or secretary.
That is a good one.
The way he sings it temporary secretary.
Have you played on here before?
I don't know if I have.
It's a good track.
It's really good and it's really insane.
And the idea, you know, it really reminds you that Macca was the most forward-looking and the most adventurous of the Beatles.
And, you know, he unfairly gets dismissed as being Mr. Saccarin.
But no, he had a pretty nutty brain in his mop-top head.
And this song really reminds you how bizarre things can get.
And a beautiful voice.
I don't know if anyone's ever noticed that before.
But he's got a very good voice.
And we should mention that this is in honour of his new album, Chaos and Creation in the Backyard, produced by Nigel Godrich, which is apparently a return to form.
He got so angry with Godrich he nearly punched him.
Did you read that?
Because Godrich said that some of his songs were rubbish.
But then McCartney said that it was like working with Lennon again, it made him feel young again.
So, call 0871 2221049 and vote for either.
Live and Let Die or, sorry, my one is Temporary Secretary.
Or Live and Let Die.
It's the Big McCartney playoff on Dizzy's in the Dock.
Hey, this is good, isn't it?
The Big McCartney playoff.
It's like a Capital Radio link.
Yeah.
Can't believe I said that.
I just feel like I should say mine again because it's the more obscure of the two.
Well, basically this is a battle between familiarity and adventurousness.
Right.
Temporary Secretary versus
Live and Let Die.
Live and Let Die will be back with some calls after we play some ads in another tune.
It is time.
Rock-a-like to rock!
That's the Foo Fighters with D-O-A.
Hey, thanks, incidentally, to the person that emailed us to say that it was Frasier, season four, episode five.
You know what?
About four people did.
Thank you very much to all those people.
That's exactly, that's my dream of what it's like to be on the radio, to get questions like that answered.
Anyway, let's get on.
We don't have much time.
Let's take some callers immediately.
Just to remind you it's between Live and Let Die by Paul McCartney or Temporary Secretary by Paul McCartney.
Patrick is on Line 1.
Hi Patrick, how are you doing?
I'm very well and yourself?
Yeah, good thanks.
Thanks very much for calling in.
What are you going to go for?
I do like Live and Let Die.
I'm going to take a gamble with Temporary Secretary because I don't know it.
Oh, nice one.
That's the kind of pioneering spirit we like here on the show.
Thanks very much for calling, Patrick.
That's 1-0 to Buxton.
Jeannie, are you there?
Hey, yeah.
Hey, Jeannie.
Have you just woken up, darling?
No, I haven't.
I've been up for a while.
OK.
Are you... Well, you insulted her then, Adam, didn't you?
No, she just sounds sort of perky and sexy.
Jeannie, what are you going to go for?
Um, it's the old favourite.
I used to get played it when I was younger.
It's live and let die.
Yay!
You do sound ashamed.
No, yeah, it's great.
I love it.
It's really cool.
Okay.
Thanks, Jeannie.
Thanks, Jeannie.
You win a copy of the soundtrack to The Business.
The Business.
Yeah?
AC's classics.
Jason, are you there?
Hello, mate.
How you doing, Jason?
I'm good.
What are you up to?
uh not a lot okay fair enough now what are you gonna go for jason we don't have much time is it live and let die or is it temporary secretary temporary secretary oh nice what's going on come on it's 2-1 adventurous now uh i just need i just need one more and it's mine sean are you there i'm indeed how you doing thanks a lot for calling you sound very mellow what are you gonna go for
Erm, I'm gonna go for a temporary second.
What?
He takes it.
What's going on?
Thanks very much.
Don't even have to take the fifth caller.
Thanks a lot, Sean.
Hey, and thanks.
Who is that fifth caller?
Heath?
Heather?
Heather.
Well, we'll say hello to Heather anyway.
Hey, Heather.
We'll send you a CD anyway, Heather.
Hello.
Are you there?
What were you going to vote for, Heather?
I was going to vote for a temporary secretary.
Oh, it's an absolute walkover.
Thanks a lot for calling, Heather.
Thank you to everyone who called.
Man, I really thought you were going to just take it easily.
Hey, everyone's heard live and let die a million times.
Can we just remind people what they're missing in a tantalising way?
Yeah, but they know.
Go on, don't burst.
I wish we could play both of them, but I have trouble with that bit.
But anyway, check this out, for sheer electronic- stop it now.
Well, you've kind of heard it now, if you wanted to hear Live and Let Die, you've heard Cornish doing it, and that's- That's Cornish's crap cover band.
That's quite good.
Paul- Paul- Paul McCorn- McCorny?
Just, just play the record.
We'll see you next week, thanks for listening.
Thanks for listening, bye!
His temporary secretary.
Mr. Mox, can you find for me someone strong and sweet fitting on my knee?
She can keep her job if she gets it wrong.
Ah, but Mr. Mox, I won't need her long.
All I need is help for a little while.
We can take dictation and learn to smile.
And a temporary secretary is what I need for to do the job.
I need a
Sanitary, temporary, sanitary, temporary, sanitary Mr. Mox, could you send her quick?
Cause my regular has been getting sick I need a temporary, sanitary, temporary, sanitary Mr. Mox
She can be a belly dancer I don't need a true romancer She can be a diplomat But I don't need a girl like that She can be a neurosurgeon If she's doin' nothin' Or she's what I need's a temporary temporary secretary
Well, I know how hard it is for young girls these days In the face of everything to stay on the right track She can be a belly dancer I don't need a true romancer She can be a diplomat
Nothing urgent, what I need's a temporary, temporary secretary temporary, secretary temporary, secretary temporary, secretary temporary, secretary temporary, secretary
XSX!